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Cassandra
Starting Member
USA
2 Posts |
 Posted - 01/09/2009 : 09:15:34
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If someone would have told me a month ago that I would lose my cat Pokie to renal failure I wouldn't have been surprised. She was 17 years old and had been on a special diet for her kidney's since she was 14. What has surprised me is the tremendous depth of my grief.
I had moved in with my then boyfriend at the age of 17. While visiting with friends, we had learned that their neighbor had been given two cats as gifts over the past month and that she was not prepared to care for them. She left them outdoors and showed no interest. I had grown up with cats my entire life and had a great deal of compassion towards my animal friends. I went outside, scooped these very tiny furballs up and brought them home; that was 1991. My intention was to find a good home for these two. I ended up growing very fond of Pokie and Gumby over the next few days as they wove their way into my life, and my heart.
My life has been far from stable. Although I became a successful professional and eventually found happiness in my home life, I had drug the cats through four marriages and seven states. How they lasted with me so long still befuddles me. Up until my fourth marriage I would like to think I was always very close to them and caring towards them. They slept with me, entertained me and I provided love and comfort to them...as they did I. When I met my current husband in 2004 he had two large dogs. Trying to blend the two sets of animals had extremely negative outcomes. It became apparent that we would have to keep our house divided. I began to grow distant and even dismissive towards my cats. When I became pregnant with my now two-year-old I began a quest to find a more suitable home for my aging friends. Their vet encouraged me to continue on with them in my life saying that a new home would be more stressful than continuing with me. Eventually the dogs left our home, one was euthanized and the other was given to my husbands ex-wife. The home was again a safe and free environment for the cats but the damage that was done to my relationship with them persisted. We moved to Minnesota this past July - a move my family was excited and eager to make. Pokie stayed exceptionally close to my oldest child, Clayton. She loved to watch him play his DS and would often tap him on the arm when she wanted some affection. For the record, Pokie was the cat that didn't hiss at Clayton when I brought him home from NICU in late 1995 and they had turned out to be exceptional buddies.
On the evening of January 1st I was getting ready for an early morning flight to Kansas City to visit my grandmother. When I went into Clayton's room around ten pm to say good night I noticed Pokie on his bed. Not long after, I saw Pokie in his bathroom, where the food dishes are kept. She turned to look at me and I could feel the pain in her body. My husband could too. I dismissed it and went to bed. As I lay down I heard a voice tell me to check on her...intuition, an inner voice, a guide...I just don't know. What I know is I didn't get up, I went to sleep. What's important to know here is that my house has electric baseboard heat. The heat that evening was only on in the bedrooms and bathrooms - the rest of the house was set very low. When I woke the next morning I went to check on Pokie. I found her curled up into the corner of our couch downstairs, she looked as if she was in a lot of pain. I took her upstairs to her cat bed and placed her in front of the heater. As she stood up on her bed I walked away...I heard her drag herself across the kitchen but I didn't see this. I knew she wasn't walking. It's at this point that my concern becomes much more realistic. I told my husband he would have to take her to the vet that day. By the time she was euthanized she was already in a coma.
I have lost many special animals and people in my life. My parents died young and I've been witness to three of my companion cats through childhood being euthanized, one at the age of 21. Pokie's death has caused a well of despair that I can only say comes close to my grief when my mother passed ten years ago. She was so much more than a pet and I feel as if I have taken her for granted. I can not redeem the time and make her final night her more comfortable. This pains me deeply. It's forced me to look at who I truly am. I believe in a compassionate, loving God. He knew I wouldn't be able to be witness to her passing so he sent me away. This house is so empty and so changed without her. I keep looking for confirmation that she lives on and is happy but I am not receptive to whatever messages she may be sending and so that confirmation continues to wait.
What beautiful souls our animal friends have. I will forever be changed my the role she played in my life.
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angelanimals
Forum Admin
78 Posts |
Posted - 01/10/2009 : 15:23:14
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Hi Cassandra--I am so sorry for your loss of Pokie. Please accept our condolences. She sounds like a very special and loving member of your family. It's very natural to feel intense grief at the death of a loved one. When the relationship has been complicated, the natural tendency is to also feel guilt and regret. Just know that Pokie would not want you to be unhappy. She devoted her life to bringing you joy and comfort. The grief you are experiencing may also be complicated by drawing up other unresolved grief. If this persists, you may want to consider going to a pet loss group either in person or on the Internet and/or seeking counseling from someone who is skilled in dealing with pet loss grieving. At any rate, Pokie's love and spirit live on in your heart and in heaven. -- Linda Anderson, Angel Animalsm
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Cathy
Starting Member
USA
1 Posts |
Posted - 01/13/2009 : 17:07:34
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Hi Cassandra, I just joined this forum and your story was the first one I read. First, I want to tell you I am sorry you have lost your dear cat, Pokie. I too have lost a special animal recently. On December 29th I lost my best friend, Suzy, and I have never felt the depth of grief I am experiencing after loosing her. Suzy was a rescue dog and we shared a bond for twelve years that cannot be broken. I did buy the book "Saying Goodbye To Your Angel Animals" and I've got to tell you it truly helped ease some of the pain I was feeling in my heart, and litterally in my body. I hope you receive the confirmation you are looking for - I know it will come. Take care.
Cathy cholt1954@yahoo.com
Cathy Holt |
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Completely empty
